Tryst with a Toaster
by Samalander
Summary: Alucard finds a new love close to home... But will he survive true love's embrace?
1. The Coffee Grinder

Author's note: Yes, let the flames come... Who's to say that everyone's favorite dhampire doesn't have a kitchen appliance fetish? You just know he does... So here's some short little ditties for pure amusement...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the blender. I own Alucard and his missing sword(sorry, inside joke). I own Maria. I am making millions of dollars off of this. Look how rich I am, getting my kicks writing these kinds of fics for you. You are a moron if you believe any of this.  
  
  
CHAPTER ONE: The Coffee Grinder  
  
The coffee grinder was so grindable, and so masculine... Alucard tired to hold back... Tried to contain himself, but the sight, the scent of the coffee...   
  
He threw himself upon it and started to make passionate love to it.  
  
  
Meanwhile, Maria woke from her peaceful slumber, and among other things, desired a cup of coffee...  
  
  
  
Yawning, Maria walked out into the kitchen where she heard Alucard's grunts. Her first innocent thought was that he'd gotten stuck in one of the cupboards again...  
  
But as she took in the scene, all these thoughts disappeared.  
  
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING TO MY COFFEE GRINDER??" 


	2. The Blender

CHAPTER TWO: The Blender  
  
Whirrr... Like the siren's song... Alucard felt drawn to the blender, heat building within him... The sharp, sensual spinning, the long, smooth cord fit snug into the wall's socket... It called to him....  
  
Little did he know, Alucard's passionate thrusts shook the blender too hard...  
  
And the little button clicked down, and the blender cried out in ectasy as Alucard read the button in horror...  
  
"Puree"  
  
((Bring on the flames!)) 


	3. The Icebox

CHAPTER THREE: The Icebox  
  
So cold... Daring... He could feel electricity running through him as the very nature of his new lover called out to him...  
  
Maria resigndedly poured another cup of warm water over Alucard and the icebox, which held him in a frozen grip. "If you hadn't of jumped on it, you wouldn't have gotten stuck, now would you?"  
  
"Silence woman! Help me free my sword!" Alucard winced. "Some romances are just not meant to be... Farewell my love..."  
  
((Okay, now I need Ideas. Suggestions?)) 


	4. The Bread Machine

CHAPTER FOUR: Bread Machine  
  
This chapter is presented in a haiku.  
  
Through the hole for dough  
"BAKE" setting so warm and wet  
Clean when you are done.  
  
  
  
Author's note: I've gotten some reviews from people wondering how Alucard recovered from "The Blender" to go onto "The Icebox". Dhamires have regenerative powers, and you guys are looking too much into this. In the video game you can die and come back to life, can't you? Thank you and have a nice day. 


	5. The Waffle Iron

CHAPTER FIVE: Waffle Iron  
  
Alucard sat sullenly at the kitchen table, trying desperately to ignore the hungry, sensual calls of the appliances that only he could hear...  
  
Suddenly, one call rang out above all the others.  
  
  
Hot and sweating with need on the counter, smiling its grid-like teeth at him.  
  
Alucard shook his head and clapped his hands over his ears, gritting his own teeth. "No! I promised Maria I wouldn't anymore!!"  
  
*But Alucard, my love...* It sang to him, starting to sizzle with desire. *She will never know. Come to me, feel my sweet caress...*  
  
  
Like a man in a trance, Alucard slunk over to the counter, lust in his eyes. Deftly, he grasped the handle and yanked it sharply upwards...  
  
  
Then closed the waffle iron hard on himself, emitting a cry of ecstasy that rang for miles around.  
  
  
((Nya ha ha!! I'm BACK!!)) 


	6. The Pressure Cooker

TRYST WITH A TOASTER  
  
chapter six: Pressure cooker  
  
Yes, he had promised Maria that he wouldn't touch it, no matter how it sang to him. Yes, he had himself made a vow to never touch another kitchen appliance, especially after the treacherous waffle iron had left a checkered scar over his best sword. But this... _this..._ She was amazing, hissing in pleasure, sucking, wet saliva coursing over him, gripping him like a vice, refusing to let him go, to give him his release. He cried out in a mixture of pain and ecstacy, leaning his head back and howling, no longer caring whether or not Maria heard him.   
Maria rushed in, eyes wide. "Alucard, _no!!"_ She cried, running to him. "I told you, you mustn't--"  
"Yes!" Alucard pushed her roughly away, panting in delight. "Yesss!!"  
The pressure cooker hissed again, releasing a jet of love-scented steam. Alucard glanced down at it for a moment, then over at Maria, growing alarm in his eyes. "This... "pressure cooker"..." He began, still panting with the heat, "What... does it do?"  
  
The pressure cooker let out a final cry of passion, and climaxed in an explosion of white light and water droplets.  
  
((Yes, yes, I finally updated. My grandmother gave me the idea.... Snerk)) 


	7. The Microwave

Tryst with a Toaster Chapter Seven: The Microwave 

Alucard surveyed his options carefully, wary of the capability of his new lover after he'd almost been blown to pieces by the previous one. He leaned close, his breath hot on the appliance, reading all of the deliciously sensual options he had. 

_"'Popcorn'_... that sounds kinky," Alucard murmured to himself, and flung the fragile plastic door open, exposing the naked enterior of the microwave. His thrusts shook it, and with one trembling hand he reached down to stimulate his partner manually... he pressed the button for 'popcorn' and the microwave started to hum with pleasure. The heat between them was almost tangible... it was magnificent... it was... it was... 

It was unbearable. 

Alucard pushed the microwave roughly away, hissing in pain, but the damage had already been done: he had 'popcorned' his sword beyond repair. Angrily he struck the microwave, and it regarded him with it's one glowing eye mockingly. Alucard growled. 

Which is how a few weeks later, Maria found broken bits of wire and plastic littering the cemetary on the hill. 


End file.
